Living as a Young Woman in South
Korea (19) Marriage and Children
By Gyul
Published: November 28, 2016
Translated by JaeKyung Chloe Ahn
※ To begin a new feminist discourse
in 2016, Ilda is running a series on “Living as a Young Woman in South Korea.”
The series receives support from the Korea Foundation for Women’s “Funding for
Gender-Equal Society.”
‘Marriage is a crazy thing?’ Thought I was different
Even though people are constantly delaying marriage
regardless of their gender and there even has been a steep increase in people
deciding not to marry at all these days, I’ve never thought about the idea of
marrying as late as possible or not marrying. Did I have any fantasy about a
happily-ever-after married life, which is only really possible on TV dramas?
It’s more like I had an absurd belief that marriage equals independence. From a
young age, I always wanted to be independent from my parents as soon as
possible - but with my new family, not just living alone. The only way I knew
to achieve that goal was through marriage. (As time passed by, I realized that
marriage is not a prerequisite for the independence I craved, but it was already
too late.)
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I felt sure of my ability not to lose control of my own life, bound to family and children, as my mother did. ⓒ Gyul
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Frankly, marriage did not always seem
happy in my experience of watching my parents during childhood. While watching
my mother’s married life, I would vow to myself again and again not to live as
my mother did, repeating that common refrain: “I won’t live like my mother!”
Strangely, it didn’t occur to me not to marry at all, though – I simply made up
my mind to marry and live a different life from my mother.
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For no reason at all, I had confidence that I would be
different when marrying at a very young age, 25. I felt sure of my ability not
to lose control of my own life, bound to family and children, as my mother did.
Housework and parenting would not be a problem since I could do them together
with my husband. Maybe it was a naive expectation that the person I was going
to meet and marry in the future would have the same opinions as I did.
In the end, I did achieve my goal. I got to live on my
own with my own family. Whether I’m living a happy married life, different from
my mother’s, though- that is a hard thing to say. The past two years of
striving for that kind of marriage, however, have taught me lots of lessons,
and I want to clearly state I will work harder to shape my marriage towards
those ends, with more trial-and–error, for a few years.
Being “Family” With a Stranger
It was much more difficult than I expected to become
part of a family by marrying and having a baby. What made it especially
difficult was that I was living with someone whom I hadn’t known for the first
25 years of my life, and my husband was living with someone whom he hadn’t
known for the first 35 years of his.
Though we had dated for a relatively short time and
there was a big age difference, I was able to think of marrying my husband
since I was able to talk with him without sensing any obnoxious assertion of
authority. I put my faith in him that he would help build the family I’d
dreamed of. Maybe that was the reason why I never talked about housework or
raising children with him before or directly after the marriage. Come to think
of it, I was a hopeless romantic to expect my husband to think in the same way
as I did - that of course the responsibilities of housework and childcare
should be divided between us. It took some time to realize the realities of
this marriage, maybe because of that belief or the sweet harmony of newlywed
life.
For the first few months after marriage, everything
felt like playing house with my husband. When I returned home after working
late, my husband had prepared dinner and left some for me. Then, I did the
dishes. On weekends, we cleaned up the house together and went out on dates…
everything seemed fine.
But as I started maternity leave, a crack between my
ideal and reality opened up. Housework started to become my sole
responsibility. When the baby was born, I also had to take care of raising the
child. As I later found out, my husband was a fan of “efficiency.” The logic of
that “efficiency” was based on the idea that women should take full
responsibility for raising children and the person who is at home more should
take full responsibility for housework. What he was trying to say here is that
when I used to work, both of us were not able to be at home for long so we both
had to take care of housework. I started to butt heads with him from this
point, and we are still working on solving this problem.
To a greater or less degree, most married couples face
this conflict when the fantasy of newlywed life starts to fade into reality,
regardless of how long they dated beforehand. We were going through this phase
just like others. As I started to think this was a mandatory phase to go
through, there was another sudden realization: it had been such an immature and
arrogant idea to think I would be different. It was not only about my side. I
finally started to realize the meaning of the saying “marriage is reality.”
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| It turned out not to be that easy to form a family with someone I hadn’t known for the first 25 years of my life. ⓒ Gyul |
Where’s the housewife in our house?
During the couple of years we’ve been married, we have
argued frequently due to housework and childcare issues. Before I went back to
work, raising our daughter was completely my responsibility and I was the one
usually tied up with housework. My husband did some housework and cleaning on
weekends, taking care of our child when I asked him to, for half a day or so at
a time. Things did start to change when I started my job, but I still had to
take much care of most of the housework and childcare. Above all, I had to
carry more of the responsibility than my husband.
The fact that it is very difficult to balance working
while raising a child struck me as I resumed working. And it was almost
impossible to carry out housework as I used to. Nevertheless, I could not
escape from the pressure of a sense of duty in childcare and housework since I
was so stuck in the mindset that I had acquired while raising my child
full-time. Although it was tough for me to handle all of this by myself, I
tried to rationalize it by thinking I was showing consideration for my husband,
who worked harder and longer than me.
But before long after I had resumed working, my
husband said, “Where’s the housewife in our house?”
It was just a euphemistic way of complaining about
having nothing to wear in his closet because of piled-up unwashed laundry. But
for me, it felt like I had had cold water splashed in my face.
From that moment, I decided to cast off the shackles
of my sense of responsibility and pressure regarding housework. It struck
me that my husband’s expectation that I would fulfill the role of a working mom
and a housewife was coming from my own self-created burden to succeed as a
housewife. I decided to concentrate on my work and my child, caring less about
housework. I didn’t lift a finger to cook. I didn’t care if the dishes weren’t
done. I delayed doing the laundry as much as possible. I didn’t pay a bit of
attention to housecleaning.
As I shifted my stance in this way, my husband started
to change his actions more naturally than when we were constantly fighting. He
started to prepare his own dinner (even preparing mine), fold messed-up
laundry, tidy up the rooms where our daughter had left her stuff all over the
place, and clean up trash. This is all routine nowadays. Things have become
much easier than when I tried to shoulder everything and blamed my husband for
not acknowledging my difficulties. These days, I’m trying to save some time for
our own The Return of Superman time, making my daughter and
husband spend quality time alone together. I’m managing to find ways to live in
harmony with my husband, and not make him a villain.
Merciless words… ‘Women born lucky’ and ‘mom-chungs’
I live in a newly-built city, where you can find
children everywhere. When friends who live in other areas come around to visit,
they all say, “This is such a great place to raise a child.” Restaurants,
cafes- kids are just everywhere. As a mother raising a little girl, this kind
of environment with kids is very comfortable. I don’t have to feel very
embarrassed even if she makes dolphin sounds and scatters rice grains all over
the place. When you go outside, you can encounter many young mothers strolling
around with their kids so I feel comfortable.
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The community center. Not-so-kind stares follow you everywhere when you’ve got a child. ⓒ Gyul
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One day, when I was taking a walk with a mother I got to know around the
neighborhood, both of us pushing a stroller, she said, “There are so many lazy,
lucky women that just bring their kids to cafes after their husbands go to
work, and sit around and chat.” I could not believe my ears. How could she say
that as someone who is also raising children? These women, who have given up
their own jobs to raise children, are enjoying the small bit of social life
allowed to them, which gives them the strength to get through the day – and she
calls them “lucky”?
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I guess she wanted to imply that she is a thrifty
housekeeper, who never squanders the money that her husband has brought home.
But what I thought was different. If moms in cafes seemed like “lucky” women even
in the eyes of other child-raising mothers, everyone else must see moms these
days as people who just bring their children along while they enjoy life, with
the difficulties of childcare invisible.
There were even these kinds of posts on local Internet
forums for moms: “I think I saw a mom-chung in a restaurant.” One story was
about seeing a mother who washed her child’s bib with water from a cup. The
poster (as a mother herself) felt disgusted, lost her appetite, and was worried
about it causing sweeping criticism of all mothers, even those who do not
behave this way. That post attracted numerous accounts of similar
mom-chung-sightings and comments from other mothers who argued that they
themselves work hard not to give anyone any troubles.
“*Mom-chung” is a
new buzzword in Korea that refers to a mother who acts arrogantly and
thoughtlessly in public places (making her child tinkle in a disposable coffee
cup, leaving a used diaper on the restaurant table, etc.). But this word is
maliciously overused. “Mom-chung” is thrown out whenever a new mom makes a
small mistake or a blunder that probably every mother has made. With this
prevalent usage of the word “mom-chung,” hostility toward mothers follow them
everywhere.
Young mothers, even in neighborhoods with so many
mothers around, are cruelly labeled “lucky women living on their husbands’
money,” and “ignorant mom-chungs.” ‘The phrases are way too cruel to be used to
depict mothers, who are just struggling so hard to keep hold of both themselves
and their lives as mothers in modern society.
Knowing that I am not exempt from being named a
mom-chung , I have to pay attention and mind others all the time. Since mothers
seem to be turning their criticism toward each other, somehow I feel more
hostility than understanding from mothers when I go to restaurants or cafes.
Maybe the reason for criticizing other mothers is to prove “I am not a
mom-chung,” and “I am thoughtful and considerate.” For any reason, “lucky women
and “mom-chungs” are uncomfortable, regrettable expressions to hear.
Don’t lose yourself while you live as a mother
Maybe past generations of mothers were able to live as
“so and so’s mother” from the moment they gave birth, but mothers of my
generations strive to maintain their three-word name.
I also have endlessly agonized between my identity as
a mother and my own life and dreams. If I had gone back to my original
workplace, I would not have been able to fulfill my role as a mother, but I did
not want to live as just my daughter’s mother, either. When my child reached
her 20s, I wanted to be called by my own name, rather than “(my child’s name)’s
mother.” So this is where a compromise has to be made. I found work that I
could do while raising a child but that I also really wanted to do and could
create new dreams while doing. This was the best way I could find to keep from
losing my self-identity while living as a mother. Although it is not clear yet
whether this is the best decision I could have made, I am working hard, day by
day, to live as a mother and the owner of my own life at the same time.
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My daughter’s feet. Mothers in my generation are trying not to lose the right to be called by their own names. ⓒ Gyul
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Times have changed and more couples are
choosing to raise their children together. But in many households,
child-raising is still a woman’s sole responsibility. We have a long way to go
to offer true happiness for young mothers in our society.
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Yet, if someone asked, “Are you happy now?” I would
say, More often than not.” Married life did not turn out to be what I had
expected, raising a child is almost like a war, reality is so brutal - but I
feel strong since I have a good companion who understands me. I smile often at
my daughter’s friendly charm, which makes me forget the war-like process of
taking care of her. And I am happy to be a mother who is on the way to finding
her own identity.
If women who are considering getting married or having
babies in their 20s like me read this, I want to tell them that, unfortunately,
no one helps you find your own happiness as a mother in Korea. My husband, whom
I put great faith in, did not take responsibility for my happiness and this
whole society is not sincerely interested in helping mothers find their life’s
meaning. However, I desperately wish for every woman in our society who chooses
marriage, childbirth, and child-raising to be happy - to be able to keep her
self while living as a mother and to wisely find her own path to true
happiness.
* Original article: http://www.ildaro.com/sub_read.html?uid=7676
*“Chung” comes from “gon-chung,” which means
“insect.” It has become a trend to place it at the end of a word to refer to a
group disparagingly.
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